Snake's Christmas
by GuardofLiberty
Summary: Since the Big Shell, life has sucked for Solid Snake. Will he cheer up this Christmas?


**A/N:** My first attempt at humor, just an idea that randomly popped into my head. Yeah, it's a little late, but Christmas hasn't faded yet, has it?

"Ok, let's see what you got me, Otacon." Snake glared.

"I promise you it's something good." Otacon smiled at his roommate.

Why did Snake move in with Otacon after the Big Shell? It sucked! He was the worst goodie too shoes ever. He always ruined Snake's fun. Constantly: 'Snake, you can't blow up the cars in front of us' when they were in traffic. Why not? 'I had a perfectly good Stinger in the trunk, a perfectly good Stinger!'

'Snake, you've had too much to drink, Snake, why can't you do the laundry for once?' Otacon was reminding him of a woman…with no womanly assets to go with the annoyance.

Life sucked.

And then there was Otacon's constant nagging of 'Snake, you really should stop smoking!'

Life really sucked.

What kind of a name was Otacon…or Hal, anyway?

Snake was listening to a stand-up by the one and only George Carlin the other night. The topic? Names.

"Soft names make soft people. I'll bet you anything that ten times out of ten Nicky, Vinny, and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker!"

Damn right soft names made soft people. And eleven times out of ten 'Solid Snake' would beat the shit out of 'Hal Emmerich, Alias: Otacon.'

Snake could see it now, there were so many ways to beat the shit out of someone: chokes, strikes, joint-locks, dare he think: blunt force trauma?

"Snake! Snake!" Otacon was waving a hand in front of his face, snapping him out of his violent trance.

"What?"

"I got your present." He smiled holding the large gift-wrapped box.

Snake had a little boy's look on his face as he ripped the wrapping paper off.

'Oh boy oh boy oh boy.'

"It's…it's just a…box!"

"Didn't I tell you it was great?!" Otacon smiled with his hands together. "Now, on your next mission, you won't have to find a box, you'll have this one to start out with!"

Snake's face went red and Otacon could swear there was smoke coming out of his ears.

"MAYBE I LIKE FINDING BOXES!" He growled, and then began to shake Otacon violently. "EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I CAN'T ADD TO MY BOX COLLECTION UNLESS I FIND THE BOX! YOU KNOW, SCAVANGE IT! DAMN!"

"But Snake…I thought you."

"Meryl knew."

"But…uh, ok, I'll get you something else."

Snake scowled. "Meryl at least got me pictures of that idiot Fisher I could use for target practice."

"Why are you always talking about Meryl now?"

"Because Meryl was a better roommate. She didn't annoy me, she bought me Christmas presents I actually liked, and she has tits."

"Yeah but she wasn't…"

"Tits Otacon! Tits!"

Otacon knew he wasn't gonna win this argument. After a sigh he brought Snake another box. "Umm…Snake?"

"What?" He glared.

"This is from…" Otacon gulped.

"From who?"

"Liquid."

"Liquid, bought me a present?" Snake asked in curiosity.

"Snake, I wouldn't…open that." He trailed as Snake tore off the wrapping paper.

"WOAH!" He exclaimed in delight. "You see Otacon, now THIS is a Christmas present." He said, gesturing to the huge load of cigarettes within the box.

"Wow, these look like high-quality designer cigs. There must be thousands!" Snake looked on in delight. "Maybe Liquid isn't such a bad guy after all."

"But Snake, what if those are exploding cigarettes or something? Remember what they tried to do to Castro?"

"Oh please, Otacon." Snake snapped. "Liquid wouldn't try something so stupid." He crossed his arms in confidence. "I'm gonna try some of these babies out right now!"

Otacon sighed and put a hand on his head.

March 24th of the next year:

"Mr. Emmerich, we're sorry, your roommate Mr. Snake has passed away." The doctor said sadly.

Otacon looked down at the floor and walked out of the hospital to prepare funeral arrangements.

Several years later there was no Solid Snake to stop Liquid's Outer Heaven PMC (Private Military Company from taking over the world.)

"I KNEW HE'D FALL FOR IT!" Liquid raised his arm in triumph over the burning city below him.

**Moral:** Smoking is bad for your health.

Especially if the cigarettes come from Liquid Snake.

**A/N:** Ok, really it wasn't that much but feedback would be nice. And if you're curious about where the George Carlin quote comes from, it's from his show _Complaints and Grievances_

Happy New Year!


End file.
